Do you ever say something universal about yourself, that may be untrue, but you say it regardless? As if maybe it was just something you needed to hear?
The other day I went for a run and ended up climbing this crazy steep hill. As I’m Rocky montage-ing this mountain, I internally monologue to myself, “If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s a quitter.”
me to myself: excuse me?
I have absolutely quit so many things in my life, with abandon… but, at the same time, I do consider myself someone with a very high endurance. Not necessarily a high tolerance, because damn, do I complain, but I do have the ability to endure.
It’s interesting that we tell ourselves these little adages, but they’re only so true. The more and more submerged in the Adult™ world I become, the more and more everything feels like a half-measure.
How true is this thing about myself? How much does it define me? How much of it do I define? How much is this person that I am actually me?
Existential analysis aside, if I had to recap the past few months in a word it’d be ‘transitory;’ I’m rolling with punches as they come, looking forward to whatever is the next step. I know New York and America aren’t going to magically fulfill me, but I know I’m ready to come home.
Again, it all comes back to half-measures: I know what I want, but also have no idea.
Being out here, doin’ my thang, has really forced me to ask myself some Big Questions:
What do I want?
Do you know how loaded of a question that is? Asking yourself what you want out of your career? Out of your life??? It’s a wonder I haven’t taken up chain smoking simply so I can take long drags and reflect on my choices.
Having to ask yourself, ‘When have you been happiest?’ in a serious, non-angsty teen blog way is some hard-hitting stuff.
I link some of my happiest moments to when I’m laughing loudly with someone new. Usually about something stupid, or maybe at something I shouldn’t be laughing at, but that connection is what I love.
Connecting with students is what I love about teaching, connecting with other people is what I love about every job I’ve ever had. Sharing a funny, warm moment with someone I’ve known forever or someone I’ve just met is what I want out of my life.
This self-revelation was kind of relieving because you can have those interactions at any job really. Whether I end up teaching for decades or for just the next couple years, it leaves me open to possibility, susceptible to change.
As I’m writing this now, I’m wondering is what I’m saying here even true? This year abroad hasn’t made me doubtful, I’ve never been more confident in my life, but it has made me a lot more incredulous, which is only natural when your expectations have been challenged.
I don’t know what I envisioned for myself post-college, but teaching in England for these past ten months has caused me to grow beyond the expectations I had for myself and wonder where that leaves me. If I rolled out of that moving car, do I now go left or right? I guess, in the end, it doesn’t really matter which direction I go, so long as I have the choice try a different one later.
But on a less dreary note…
the Parisian sites
just a single girl, livin’ in this single world